Whine: I’m on the tail end of my annual sunburn. While it no longer hurts for me to wear clothes, I have hit the awkward full-body-peel stage. So now I am obsessed with removing my own skin. That will look good on my “What I did on my Summer Vacation” essay in the fall, won’t it?
Cheese: This one is extra cheesy. Hubby and I are going to celebrate our 9th anniversary in style. Paris? You ask. Perhaps a night at a little Bed and Breakfast? No. We want to celebrate in style. At the Water Park. Come on, it’s 3,000,000 gallons of water, people, what’s not fun about that? Besides, we’re on a budget.
In honor of Mr. Dad’s and my anniversary, and since we here at Whine and Cheese are such big fans of marriage (GO, Marriage!!) we wanted to grace you with our advice for a happy marriage, gleaned from years of studious research, and possibly a little bit of trial and error.
Dear Whine and Cheese,
There is this boy in my calculus class that I have my eye on. He seems like a nice guy and he looks awfully cute in his football uniform. Do you have any advice for me about how to get him to ask me out?
Sincerely,
Lovestruck
Dear Lovestruck,
If I were you I’d bide my time. Perhaps he is not quite ready for all you have to offer. In fact, wait about eight years. Have your friends keep tabs on him when you are off at college. Then finally get frustrated with his laid back approach and give him your number. He’ll be so relieved that you finally noticed him that he’ll call the next week. You’ll be married within a year.
Yours Truly,
Whine and Cheese
Dear Whine and Cheese,
My parents are always telling me that I should know what I want in life. Now that I’m thinking about marriage, what should I look for in a husband?
Sincerely,
Makin’ a List
Dear List,
You are very wise to take these matters so seriously. Here is my list, in no particular order.
A good man:
Will take over at the wheel when you are stuck on a busy downtown street and cannot parallel park. He will also not laugh too hard at your incompetence.
Gives you his last taco when he knows you are really, really hungry.
Knows the correct answer to the question “Do I look fat?” (Which is, incidentally, “You define beauty for me, so of course you don’t look fat.” OR “I love you at any size, but of course you don’t look fat.”)
Will miss the last five minutes of a triple-overtime championship game (he has it on dvr, of course) to talk to you if you need him.
Likes your friends. Sticks up for your friends when their boyfriends are being idiots. Knocks some sense into his friends when they are the ones being the idiots.
Knows how to change a diaper, make a bottle and entertain a baby. Trust me, this comes in handy.
Will tolerate your television and movie preferences, even getting sucked into an episode or two of Project Runway, before realizing that his masculinity is draining out of him and then going and buying a second tv.
Can plan a good date.
Has figured out how to wire cable into the garage, so he can go out there and “work, ” conveniently whenever the Rangers are on.
Knows how to navigate a Major Meltdown (yours, not his): hugs, listening, ice cream, hugs, more ice cream, and possibly a nap.
Knows your drink order at Starbucks.
And finally, (this is the most important one). Looks good in a pair of cowboy boots and can dance a mean two-step.
Hope you find a man that checks all your boxes.
Yours Truly,
Whine and Cheese
Dear Whine and Cheese,
What are your secrets for a happy marriage?
Sincerely,
Hopeful
Dear Hopeful,
Learn to apologize, even though you’ll rarely be wrong. Give him a hug and a kiss, even when he doesn’t deserve it. Laugh at his jokes, even though they aren’t funny. Let him help you, even though you absolutely don’t need him to.
One day you’ll realize that you’re wrong more often than you thought, he’s more deserving than you can imagine, his jokes are actually pretty funny and a little help here and there isn’t so bad.
Either that or marriage has turned your brain into mush. Doesn’t matter, you’ll be happy either way.
Sincerely,
Whine and Cheese
